


Sex Education and Other Unintended Misadventures at Hogwarts

by TheLostLibran



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boys Being Boys, Drarry, Emotional, Eventual Ginny/Pansy, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Implied Mpreg, Kingsley Shacklebolt is the fifth Gryffindor, Light-Hearted, M/M, No Angst, Not Canon Compliant, One Shot, Scorbus, Sex Education, Sharing a Bed, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Raise Harry Potter, Timeline Fic, mature content, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:14:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24354892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostLibran/pseuds/TheLostLibran
Summary: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, like any other modern school, has an all inclusive curriculum. Explained in this innuendo laden story is how it is related to why certain Gryffindors can't sleep. And how across three generations, everyone fails at adulting.OrEveryone has midnight realisations, but the Gryffindors have been having them at exactly 2.15am for years. The realisations are all different but the reason is the same.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 188





	Sex Education and Other Unintended Misadventures at Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on this post I saw on Instagram:
> 
> "In second year, the students of Hogwarts get given the talk.
> 
> McGonagall gives it to the girls and it's comfortable and a little awkward but also funny and understanding.
> 
> Snape gives it to the boys and it is the worst Hogwarts experience any of them ever had."
> 
> Note- 1. Voldemort is killed the first time itself and Kingsley is actually older than the Marauders, so the story totally diverges from canon. 2. I don't exactly know how Sonorus works. 3. Teddy's birth year is changed.
> 
> There is no real sex ed in this story because I'm not good at adulting either!
> 
> This work is only for entertainment purposes. I do not own the characters nor do I make money from this work. Harry Potter and Co. belong to JK Rowling and WB.

**1972, Gryffindor boys dorm.**

**9.00pm**

‘It’s been long enough, you need to snap out of it,’ James Potter said, waving a hand before his best friend’s horrified face.

Sirius Black blinked, turned his head to the side and continued gaping at his friend as though _he_ had gone mad.

‘I don’t know how you can remain so composed,’ he said slowly, bringing his knees up to his chest.

‘He’s internally freaking out and externally pretending not to,’ Remus Lupin corrected, not bothering to lift his head from where he was working on their map. ‘I can’t say either of you are overreacting, however. Today warrants as much.’

‘Overreacting!’ Peter shrieked from his bed, throwing away the book he had been uselessly trying to read for the better part of an hour. ‘I’m never going to be able to look Slughorn in the eye ever in my life again.’

‘Bertram Aubrey wanted Ludo Bagman to obliviate him,’ James put in, as if that was any consolation.

‘What happened?’ Sirius asked, curious. ‘There’s no way that had a good ending.’

‘McG interrupted them just in time.’

‘Really?’ Peter asked.

‘No,’ Remus said, banging his fist on the table. ‘Both of them ended up in the hospital wing and Slytherin lost a hundred points today.’

‘For probably the first and last time, I’m not particularly glad of it,’ James said, getting up from where he was seated opposite to Sirius in the aisle between their beds. ‘And stop taking your frustrations out on the map, Moony. It’s not the poor thing’s fault that Slughorn ruined a perfectly normal activity of nature for us.’

‘Perfectly normal activity of nature?’ asked an incredulous voice and four heads turned in its direction. Kingsley Shacklebolt was looking at James as if he had grown antlers. He then scrunched his face and snorted. ‘I suppose this is a far better response to the lecture than Snape’s.’

Sirius’ ears perked up. James turned expectant eyes on his friend even as Remus and Peter leaned forward eagerly.

‘He apparently declared, and I quote, that he was going to remain a celibate since there was no way he or any cell of his body could get “interested” after that terror inducing speech.’

James and Peter doubled up in laughter. The beginnings of a smile were spreading out on Sirius’ face as his still slow brain caught up with and processed Kingsley’s words.

‘From the sound of it,’ Remus said calmly from his bed, ‘I think the better phrase is cock deflating speech.’

Sirius howled as his laugh finally broke through and began rolling on the floor, clutching his stomach.

‘Remus!’ James and Kingsley cried out in unison even as the group of five dissolved into hysterical giggles.

**1.30am**

‘Moony, are you up?’ Sirius whispered to the lump on the bed next to his.

All he got in answer was a groan but that was enough for him.

‘Do you really think Snivellus wouldn’t?’

‘Is now the time for discussing him, Sirius?’ James moaned from his other side.

There was some shuffling as everyone turned in their beds, seemingly disturbed by Sirius’ thoughts. Sirius lifted his head and scowled at every bed in the room. It didn’t matter that none of them could see him in the dark or because they were asleep. He had to put out his scowl of annoyance at them and he did. He snorted and hugged his pillow tighter, glancing out of the window across his bed.

**1.40am**

James found himself rudely awakened by a prodding at his arm. He opened one eye and glared, ‘What?’

‘Do you think the girls are taking this well? Marlene said it would be McG for them.’

‘I don’t fucking know, Sirius. Get lost now,’ James said, stuffing his head under his pillow.

Sirius felt slightly mortified but made his way over to his other friend anyway.

‘Hey,’ he said into Peter’s ear who immediately pulled up his covers over his head.

‘Go away, Sirius, it’s two in the morning. Why can’t you let us sleep?’

Sirius was now completely pissed. ‘How can you sleep when I’m having an existential crisis?’ He balled up the blanket around him and threw it down, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at the four sleeping forms. ‘What sort of friends are you?’ he added.

‘Sirius, please,’ Peter sobbed. ‘It’s the middle of the night for fuck’s sake!’

‘My point, exactly!’ Sirius screamed. ‘It’s for the sake of fucking that I’m asking you all. Slughorn made it sound like I couldn’t shag Remus if I wanted to. But what if that’s what I want! What if-’

Sirius couldn’t finish his statement as he found himself being hauled over to the bed. He struggled in Remus’ surprisingly strong grasp, trying to wrench his hand away. Before he could even get a word in, Remus pushed Sirius face down onto his bed and proceeded to lay down on top of him for good measure. Sirius still tried to wrestle free.

‘You can shag me till you have your fill if that’s what you want, but for Merlin’s sake, sleep now,’ Remus scolded.

‘But Slughorn-’

‘Slughorn’s an arse and so are you,’ James called out.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ body tight to keep him from protesting.

‘Honestly, why can’t you Marauders just forget it? It was traumatic enough once without these midnight recollections. Why did I even expect you to take it normally?’ Kingsley grumbled under his breath. ‘Normal and Marauders are mutually contradictory.’

‘Kingsley!’ Peter wailed. ‘I’m trying to sleep!’

‘Blame Slughorn,’ Kingsley said, going defensive. ‘I sincerely wish Flitwick’s name came out.’

‘What?’ Remus asked, not budging from his place above Sirius.

‘I overheard Lily telling Dorcas that they drew a lottery today on who gets to give us the talk.’ Kingsley replied. ‘But Frank Longbottom told them that Flitwick often charmed the chits so that his name wouldn’t be called.’

‘Sneaky Ravenclaw leaving us to suffer,’ Sirius murmured.

‘Frank’s girlfriend, Alice seems to think it’s the youngest teacher on board who is selected,’ James said.

‘How on earth is Slughorn younger than Flitwick?’ Remus asked, unable to contain himself any longer. He turned to his right to face James, giving Sirius some space to adjust in his bed.

‘Guys, please,’ Peter whimpered. ‘Its 2am.’

‘Flitwick calculated their ages and found Slughorn to be seventeen _minutes_ younger,’ James went on, unbothered.

‘I demand a change of house for one Filius Flitwick, he needs to start wearing green and silver now,’ Sirius declared.

‘Amen. Great. Let’s go to bed.’ Peter said. ‘Slughorn should have said sleep was more important that sex.’

‘He shouldn’t have said anything, period.’ Remus retorted.

‘And for destroying our sleep and scarring our dreams, perhaps permanently, we’ll make him drink a potion tomorrow that turns his semen pink.’ James announced.

Sirius lifted his head a bit and stared at his friend. ‘You have the ingredients ready?’

‘I know where we can get them,’ James smirked.

‘You’re joking,’ Peter said, sitting up in his bed. ‘Professor McGonagall is going to catch us within an hour if word got out.’

‘And pray tell me, how that’s going to happen because I’m having a hard time imagining old little Slughorn running to McG crying about how his semen is pink,’ Kingsley scoffed.

‘You agree?’ James asked, voice full of wonder.

‘Even better, I’ll help you,’ Kingsley winked.

‘It’s still not foolproof,’ Remus said, throwing an arm around Sirius and snuggling closer. ‘We should give him something that makes his cock become stiff for a week. This idea’s better because Slughorn can’t go to anyone with his little problem.’

Sirius, James and Kingsley snickered as Peter slapped his forehead.

‘You all are insane, that’s what you all are,’ he proclaimed before yanking the curtains around his four poster closed.

**2.15am**

Sirius sat up as a thought struck him. ‘Hey!’ he whisper-shouted. ‘You sure Slughorn wanks?’

‘SIRIUS!’

**1992, Gryffindor boys dorm**

**8.20pm**

‘You okay, Neville?’ Seamus asked, wrapping his arm around the other boy’s shoulders.

Neville looked at him like he had gone mad and Dean laughed from where he was standing by the door.

‘How can anyone be okay after that?’ Dean and Neville stared at each other and shuddered even as Seamus’ eyes brightly took in his best friend.

‘Potions just went from complicated to dreaded,’ Ron said as he flopped down onto his bed.

‘I can never look him in the eye again,’ Neville said, burying his head in his hands. Dean patted his back in sympathy.

‘Where’s Harry?’ Seamus asked Ron, confused the pair hadn’t trudged up together. Having pushed Neville rudely off to his bed, he proceeded to lay his head in his other friend’s lap.

‘With Malfoy,’ Ron grumbled.

‘Why?’ Dean asked, surprised.

Ron looked up at the trio, as if tired of the entire world.

‘Is he arguing with Malfoy?’ Neville was confused. ‘I saw them squaring up while I ran up here.’

Ron sighed and shook his head. ‘He and Malfoy are arguing with Zach Smith. Together.’

Seamus lifted his head from where it was resting. ‘Did Snape manage to make everyone lose sense with his infamous lecture?’

‘Nope,’ Fred Weasley said, barging into the room on the heels of his twin. ‘Malfoy and Harry,’

‘Are trying to drive sense,’ George Weasley picked up.

‘Into Smith so that,’ Fred grinned, throwing his arm around George.

‘He never insults the queer group,’ George continued.

‘Ever again,’ Fred finished.

Dean, Seamus, Neville and Ron shared identical looks of disbelief.

‘Everyone’s officially gone nuts,’ Neville declared before hopping out of his bed.

‘What’s wrong, Longbottom?’ George asked.

‘He’s now 200% terrified of Snape.’ Dean answered promptly.

Fred and George shared mischievous smirks before smiling broadly at them and gearing up for imparting words of wisdom in their characteristic alternating style. Ron clutched his pillow to his chest, a sinking feeling in his gut warning him that something absolutely scary was about to happen.

‘What you should be terrified of,’ George began.

‘Is that next year too,’

‘Snape is going to deliver that lecture,’

‘Being the youngest Hogwarts teacher.’ Fred finished.

There was a stunned silence in the room which didn’t break until their fifth Gryffindor stormed in, his face a contrasting mixture of horror and relief.

‘Why do you look like that?’ Seamus asked, pointing his finger at Harry.

‘Malfoy and I tore our throats out trying to explain to Zacharias what genders and sexual orientation were,’ Harry said weakly.

‘Your voice seems fine,’ Dean said unnecessarily.

‘You should be asking him about pairing up with Malfoy to do that or if he has been having any issues coming out to us,’ Neville scolded Dean.

‘And then,’ Harry continued as though he hadn’t heard either of them. ‘Stephen Cornfoot appeared out of nowhere and convinced Smith to take the matter to Snape.’

Neville gasped aloud as the twins high-fived each other.

‘Did you know, Fred, that there’s a rumour in Hufflepuff that Snape makes it deliberately terrifying so that no student comes to him for doubts?’ George asked, all innocent and puppy eyed.

‘Is that what Cedric Diggory was whispering to Lee Jordan the other day?’ Fred flashed him a grin.

George nodded. ‘And do you know what this means?’

‘That Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are both going to lose some valuable points for upsetting Snape’s plan and offending his delicate sensibilities,’ Harry said, rolling his eyes.

‘How are you two not freaking out?’ Ron frowned at his brothers, sniffing a bit, sure there was something suspicious brewing that was just out of reach of his hands.

Fred stuck his tongue out. ‘If you want to know that, Ronniekins,’

‘You’ll have to do our chores at home for a month in summer,’ George smirked.

‘Absolutely not,’ Ron fumed, crossing his arms over his chest.

‘Absolutely yes,’ Neville countered. ‘I am not going to sit through another explicitly detailed lecture of Dos and Don’ts next year and seeing that it’s inevitable, I want to learn their trick.’

When Neville’s stern tone effectively coerced Ron into accepting the losing end of the bargain, the twins pulled out their set of “magically enhanced ear plugs,” or “Magi-Plugs.”

‘Came up with these beauties while sitting through Snape’s first lesson in Sex Ed to us,’ Fred beamed proudly. ‘Best part? They are powered by your displeasure. The more you are annoyed, the more they convert the surrounding sound waves into musical notes.’

‘Good choice, mate,’ George winked at Neville. ‘Fred and I are happy we saved at least five others from erectile dysfunction.’

Dean and Harry gaped at them with their mouths open.

‘Go about the castle and happily sprout the next gen, boys,’ Fred said with a wave of his hand even as Seamus hurled a pillow at their retreating backs.

‘Well,’ Neville said, ‘they dodge bludgers all the time. You should have thrown something they couldn’t evade.’

‘More accurately, you should not have been so bloody predictable,’ Ron scoffed.

**10.05pm**

‘How do you think Hermione’s taking it?’ Ron asked Harry as they both lay in their beds trying their best to fall asleep.

‘What?’ Harry said, sitting up. He threw his covers aside since it was getting too warm and he realised there wasn’t going to be any sleeping happening that day.

‘The girls, they weren’t there when we had dinner earlier.’

‘I heard Professor McGonagall was going to tell them. Maybe it took them longer?’

Ron gave a shrug that went unnoticed in the darkness of the room. ‘I thought Madam Pomfrey would do it since she’s the healer here and all.’

‘They could have just asked all years to assemble in the Great Hall and let Madam Pomfrey give a discourse,’ Dean announced. ‘It would have saved everyone a lot of time, energy and humiliation.’

‘Apparently, Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey have a standing agreement to alternate yearly. It was Armando Dippet who felt the need to have separate classes for boys and girls,’ Seamus said. Harry sighed, realising none of them were in for a good night.

‘Yeah, well, can’t say I can fault him. Imagine having to listen to Puberty and Its Changes with girls present. It’s enough that we get a briefing of menstruation. The awkwardness alone would give me nightmares for months to come,’ Ron put in.

‘Speaking of which,’ Dean said, rolling over and reaching with his hand to tap on Neville’s bed. ‘I think it’s good that he at least doesn’t seem to be having any.’

All the boys shifted and lay down once again in desperate attempts to get an hour of sleep if nothing, so that they could drag themselves around to classes the next day.

**12.25am**

‘Pss, Harry,’ Ron hissed.

‘What?’ Harry barked. He had just been about to doze off.

‘Maybe we should go look for Hermione. What if she’s crying somewhere in the bathrooms like last year?’

Harry raised his head to glare at his friend.

‘Good thing there’s no troll around now,’ Dean whispered. ‘So don’t worry yourself or us pointlessly.’

Sufficiently chided, Ron slipped under his duvet.

Harry went over to Neville’s bed to reassure himself that Neville hadn’t gone off like Ron thought Hermione had. The boy was there alright and Harry sighed in relief.

**1.10am**

‘What if Hermione’s crying because of Pansy Parkinson,’ Ron said suddenly, sitting up.

Harry groaned. ‘That makes the least sense.’

‘Hermione and Pansy were in a heated debate,’ Ron defended.

‘Because Lavender Brown made a fool of herself by starting a debate that PMS doesn't exist,’ Seamus supplied.

‘Ew.’ Harry could hear Ron’s face scrunching up in distaste.

‘Yeah and if you don’t need any more gory details, shut your mouth, even if you can’t sleep,’ Seamus snapped.

‘Hermione will be fine, Ron,’ Dean added in a gentler tone. ‘Let us all just sleep this horrible day over and forget it ever happened. Please.’

‘Or else I’d have to body bind you,’ Seamus warned.

**1.50am**

‘How are you so cool about all this?’ Harry looked up from his Potions textbook to find Ron’s head peeking over his bed’s headrest.

He stared at his best friend, aghast and dumbstruck. He was tempted to knock him unconscious but one look at those worried-out-of-his-mind eyes melted his anger like butter.

‘I live with Remus and Sirius,’ he reminded him instead.

Ron made a small “O” with his mouth before slithering away to his bed.

**2.15am**

‘OH MY GOD!’

Dean fell out of his bed at Neville’s shout. Ron was snoring, something which prompted an already irate Dean to physically shove him awake. Harry just sat in his bed, bored, having decided to wait the night out since he was sure more shrieks laid ahead. He flicked his wand in a Lumos.

‘Please,’ Seamus whimpered, burrowing his head underneath his pillow.

‘How am I going to face any of the girls tomorrow?’ Neville’s face was white and sweaty.

‘NEVILLE!’

**Next morning**

**7.20am**

‘What’s with the dark circles and red eyes, boys?’ Parvati Patil asked, shooting each of the five boys curious looks.

‘Nothing,’ Dean dismissed immediately. Harry knew he was hiding a rosy blush under his dark skin. Ron, as though stimulated, turned an eye on Fred and George lest the twins spill the secrets of the day before. Thankfully, they were engrossed with Lee Jordan and Angelina Johnson.

‘What were you doing staying up all night?’ Hermione tilted her head to the side as she rested her chin in her hand.

Before they could reply however, Pansy Parkinson walked right up to their friend.

‘Granger, library,’ she said, her tone clipped. Hermione nodded and stood at once.

‘What?’ Pansy lifted an eyebrow at the crestfallen faces of Harry, Seamus and Neville.

Hermione’s eyes widened in realisation and she rolled her eyes.

‘Honestly, guys, it’s completely normal.’

‘Panicking about it later is also normal,’ Ron huffed, indignant.

‘It’s not. Why can’t you be more mature?’ Hermione retorted.

‘Oh no, ‘Mione,’ Harry said looking at Neville who paled ten shades at her wording.

‘What she means is that,’ Pansy began but Seamus cut her off.

‘No, lecture us all you want about it later,’ he begged.

‘Don’t use that word!’ Dean cried supporting a slumping Neville.

‘You should be broad minded so that when your other organs grow, your brain doesn’t have any difficulty catching up,’ Pansy said as if she hadn’t been interrupted. Susan Bones, who had joined the group with a wad of parchment in her hands, nodded solemnly.

And Neville fainted.

**3 days later**

**3.05pm**

‘What happened now?’ Madam Pomfrey frowned down her nose at the four boys in front of her.

‘We swear we don’t know,’ Harry lied, putting his palms up in a placating gesture. ‘He just vomited out of the blue.’

‘It’s been three consecutive days for now,’ Madam Pomfrey insisted.

Harry shared a look with his friends and shrugged.

‘Why is it always after Potions, though?’ she asked as she bustled about. ‘Or during Potions? What is Severus teaching you?’

‘I don’t think it’s the Potions Class per se, Madam Pomfrey,’ Ron replied nonchalantly.

Harry glanced over at his friend, surprised to find his answer both a truth and a lie. While Neville visiting the infirmary every day was a cause for concern, he wasn’t going to reveal the real reason and embarrass his friend further.

‘If anything, I’d say Harry’s got a right to it,’ Ron went on. ‘He’s been partnering Malfoy as a punishment ever since Neville upended their cauldron that first day he’d been admitted here for boils.’

Poppy Pomfrey held the four boys in front of her in a piercing gaze before she huffed and walked into her office.

**2.15am**

Harry instinctively knew it was quarter past two in the morning when the scream echoed throughout the room. He would bet all his money that the others had got accustomed to it too. They all remained silent as they waited for Neville to shout out that day’s “midnight revelation.”

‘SNAPE’S A VIRGIN!’

‘NEVILLE!’

**10 days later**

**12.30pm**

‘How long do you have to work with Malfoy again?’

‘Ron! He’s already told us they’d be together this entire term,’ Hermione chided.

‘You should really, really watch the way you phrase your sentences,’ Dean pleaded, close to tears now. Seamus was rubbing a hand over Neville’s back who had apparently choked on his food and was now coughing it up.

‘And what’s it to you?’ Parvati Patil asked. ‘You are doing just fine with me anyway.’

‘He’s a git and Harry doesn’t have to put up with him now that Neville’s almost back to normal,’ Ron replied.

‘He’s, um,’ Harry started, looking sheepish, ‘He’s being surprisingly well behaved since that argument with Smith.’

‘Not surprising,’ Draco Malfoy drawled from next to him. ‘You saved my arse back there and I already apologised for being arrogant. Budge over, Potter.’

Harry stared at him for a moment before complying. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hermione scooting aside to make place for Pansy Parkinson.

‘I’ve decided to make amends, Potter, for my father’s despicable behaviour. I’m sorry Weasleys,’ he said in a high pitched voice, nodding at the five siblings at the Gryffindor table, all of whom nodded back despite their confusion.

**8.50pm**

‘I’m off to bed,’ Neville declared, climbing the stairs to the boys’ dorms.

Harry, Ron, Dean and Seamus looked at each other worriedly. Then, as one, they linked their arms together and uttered a fervent prayer to Merlin and the Founders and whoever might have been listening, wishing for Neville’s realisations to stop.

**10.00pm**

‘I feel it’s too quiet,’ Ron said, his eyes roaming all over the room.

‘It’s a good thing then,’ Dean replied.

‘Our prayers have worked,’ Seamus added.

Harry exhaled loudly and turned on his side.

**12.35am**

‘I’m worried I can’t even hear his snores,’ Dean said after ineffectually tossing about for almost an hour. ‘He was surprisingly sleepy all of a sudden today, coming to the dorm just ten minutes after dinner.’

‘We didn’t Silencio his bed, so he’s just probably catching up on all his lost sleep,’ Ron guessed.

‘Goodnight, everyone,’ Seamus murmured.

Harry yawned, snuggling into his blankets.

**1.55am**

‘I don’t get why I can’t sleep,’ Seamus said, frustrated. ‘Even Neville is able to!’

‘It’s because I mixed a Dreamless Sleep in his orange juice at dinner.’

**2.15am**

‘Why is Malfoy here?’ Ron yelled, his voice frantic.

‘I’ve been here for about a week, Weasley. Happy realisation.’

‘But _why_?’

‘Because I have been having trouble sleeping alone since about a fortnight now.’

‘You sleep in a dorm with four others!’

‘Besides, Harry’s bed is rather warm and cosy,’ Draco Malfoy said, unconcerned by Ron pulling his hair out.

‘WHAT?’ That was Neville.

‘RON!’

**7 days later**

**7.30pm, Gryffindor common room.**

‘I don’t see how we can help,’ George said. ‘We get it’s an awkward subject and Snape makes it a million times more embarrassing but it is also quite important.’ They were all scattered across the room, on couches, before the fireplace and on the carpets, lounging or doing homework or, in Hermione’s case, making some sort of list with help from Ginny and in Draco Malfoy’s case, getting a head massage from a certain bespectacled Gryffindor.

‘Yep,’ Fred agreed. ‘Better from a bat than from your fathers. Easier to forget.’

‘They’ve got a point,’ Hermione chimed in, looking up. ‘And Neville, can you even imagine talking this over with your grandmother?’

Neville openly shuddered at the mere thought of it. His face turned sickly as he cast terror filled eyes on Hermione, who started rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder.

‘He needs to be taught a lesson, nonetheless,’ Ron fumed. ‘He needn’t be so horrible while explaining it.’

‘And it’s not like we asked for a step by step description of sex but he gave it anyway,’ Dean put in.

‘Making it completely revolting,’ Harry finished for Dean.

Hermione gave them a meaningful look filled with exactly what she thought of them. ‘One, you all are being extremely childish. Two, it’s not an easy topic no matter who tells it. Three, it’s hard on Snape too so there’s no way he went explicit in his lecture. Four, it’s not gross to learn about your bodies. And five, this situation wouldn’t have arisen if Hogwarts’ library had at least fifty of these books.’ She held out the parchment in her hands that contained a list of a hundred and twenty titles. ‘Honestly, there’s not a single book on puberty, adolescence or sex education here!’

‘You would know about the books, wouldn’t you?’ Ron asked, pinching Hermione’s cheek fondly, his eyes and voice filled with pure adoration.

Seamus rolled his eyes. ‘Moving on,’ he said, looking back at his co-conspirators.

Ten faces looked at each other in expectation. What it was, none of them knew.

‘Well, let’s scare Snape so that he changes his wording at least,’ Harry said at last.

‘In such a way that he’s forced to rewrite his speech next year,’ Ginny added.

Fred and George exchanged a brief but meaningful glance before agreeing to the proposal.

‘How may we be of service to you, Mademoiselle?’ Fred said, exaggeratedly bowing before his sister.

‘I don’t think it’s a really good idea,’ Hermione said. ‘Ginny doesn’t think so either, she just wants a change before her turn comes.’

‘And it’s why Freddie here didn’t ask you, brightest witch.’ George grinned.

‘And that’s a complete mockery of the beautiful French language,’ Draco sneered. ‘Don’t even think of attempting it next time.’

‘So what is the plan?’ Neville asked wearily. ‘What are you thinking of?’ He wasn’t feeling particularly good that his dorm mates had decided upon this course of action to help reduce his nightmares.

‘You know,’ George gave everyone a wicked grin. ‘Snape has a pun laden catch phrase that he purposefully uses as the concluding line of his lecture.’ The boys all groaned.

‘“Don’t blow it.”’ Fred supplied, for the benefit of Hermione and Ginny.

‘He’s warning the students to not blow the lesson he taught them i.e not forget or ignore his words,’ Hermione said, working it out. ‘And he’s also telling everyone to not “blow.”'

Ron made a face at her on seeing the impressed nod she gave.

‘So we are going to charm the portraits to chant “Don’t blow it” everytime Snape passes by,’ Fred said, his face lit up in wild glee.

‘You may get caught!’ Neville objected.

‘I said let’s scare him, not rebel against him,’ Harry facepalmed.

‘You can count me out,’ Draco announced. ‘I don’t fancy any kind of detentions or losing house points.’

‘Nah, mate,’ George replied. ‘They may suspect it’s us, but they’d never be able to blame it on us.’

Harry gaped at his friends as they quickly delved into the details of their prank and shook his head wistfully.

‘Six,’ Hermione said, looking around the room to see if at least one of them was paying some kind of attention. ‘You won’t get through this by insulting Snape.’

‘Seven, you shouldn’t insult Snape, period,’ Harry said.

‘And eight, Potter, there’s nothing the three of us can do about it.’ Draco yawned and stretched.

**10.45pm**

‘I’m sorry, Ron,’ Neville whispered. ‘If your brothers are caught, I’ll tell the professors it was me.’

‘Don’t overthink, Neville,’ Seamus scolded softly.

‘Yeah, not to worry, mate,’ Ron reassured.

‘Worry about what Madam Hooch would shout at us if we were late for tomorrow’s class yet again,’ Draco said.

‘Why do we have it first thing in the morning?’ Harry groaned as he turned on his side. Draco immediately pushed back and pulled Harry’s arm over his waist.

**12.35am**

‘Are any of you sure this will work? What if he just Silencios the portraits or something?’

‘Fred and George are going to come up with a backup charm keyed into the original which would send the feedback to the portraits in his classroom and set them off to continuously recite those three words, if Snape attempts to interfere.’ Dean comforted.

‘I had hoped that with today’s plan, you’d be able to rest better,’ Draco lamented.

Harry snorted and pressed closer to his bed mate.

**2.15am**

‘Maybe Snape’s not a virgin,’ Dean mused. ‘Or at least not totally innocent.’

Draco grunted and Harry cracked open an eye. Ron was already glaring at Dean, his hands on his hips.

‘Maybe, he did give a blowjob once and found it horrible,’ Dean continued.

‘Or maybe what he received was horrible,’ Seamus said.

‘GUYS!’

**1993, Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.**

**2.30pm**

‘So Harry,’ Remus Lupin said as his son-godson took his seat across from him. ‘That was surprising.’

Harry shrugged. It was surprising alright but not unexpected.

‘I’ve heard of Augusta Longbottom and I know she’s fierce, stern and unforgiving. I anticipated seeing her walking out as Neville’s boggart.’

Harry nodded but didn’t say anything. He knew where the conversation was going and he was not looking forward to it.

‘But it turned out to be Severus,’ Remus sighed pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘Do you know why?’ He looked Harry straight in the eye as he asked.

Harry squirmed in his seat, unable to escape his godfather’s piercing brown eyes. He didn’t want to give the real reason but he had no choice.

‘Let’s just say last year’s talk didn’t go over well with him,’ he said in the end.

Remus’ eyes widened and he gave a hearty chortle two seconds later. ‘He’ll have to best that fear on his own then,’ he said waving a hand dismissively.

Harry was almost at the door when something stuck him and he whipped around.

**12.50am, Gryffindor boys dorm.**

‘Professor Lupin is the best teacher we’ve ever had,’ Dean commented.

‘Thanks!’ Harry beamed, his chest filling up with pride.

‘You should listen to Sirius once,’ Ron said. ‘It’s impossible to choose between the two of them.’

Harry’s grin widened.

‘Don’t smile too much, your facial muscles may end up getting torn,’ Draco mocked.

Harry gave him a stink eye and pulled away from his embrace.

**2.15am**

‘Professor Lupin can give the lecture this year!’ Seamus sat up in his bed, bubbling with unforeseen joy.

‘After that needlessly graphic descriptions of last year, why do you even want to hear it again in the first place?’ Ron grumbled.

‘And they were gory, not graphic,’ Draco kindly corrected.

‘He won’t,’ Harry said, suddenly fully awake.

Dean lifted his head from his pillow and arched an eyebrow at Harry. ‘Why?’

‘He’s conveniently timed his monthly break to include the date assigned for the talk.’

‘HARRY!’

**1994, Gryffindor boys dorm.**

**11.20pm**

‘It’s been going on for nearly an hour now,’ Ron groaned, pulling his hair out.

Neville was tossing around in his bed, trying to get himself to sleep through the sheer force of will alone.

‘I didn’t know handjobs took this long,’ Harry said.

‘How can you be so cool about this?’ Ron asked him with narrowed eyes.

‘He isn’t,’ Draco answered. ‘But he’s only irritated that all the moaning is disturbing his introspection.’

‘I’m not, yes,’ Harry said, ‘but clearly, neither are any of you. Where are your Magi-Plugs?’

The three boys were prevented from further speech by a loud shout in Seamus’ voice.

‘Thank Merlin,’ Neville sighed.

Ron rolled his eyes and laid back down while Harry resumed playing with Draco’s hair.

**12.15am**

‘If you know how to do it, a handjob is also equally pleasurable,’ Dean said from behind the drapes of his bed.

Harry pursed his lips at that, mentally debating if reprimanding them would be of any use.

‘We know.’ It was Draco who responded. ‘And we’d have you know listening to one’s friends going at it is the complete opposite of pleasurable.’

‘You know?’ Harry nearly screeched. ‘How?’ For the first time in his life, Harry found a mixture of rage, jealousy and hatred coursing through his veins.

‘Been there, done that, Harry,’ Draco replied flippantly. ‘Since second year.’

Harry resolved to silently seethe in that infuriating mixture all the while pushing Draco’s body and his close together.

**1.20am**

‘How many?’ Harry asked, unable to keep it in any longer.

Draco lifted his head from Harry’s chest. ‘What?’ he blinked.

‘How many have given you a handjob?’ Harry stressed each word out as though it pained him to utter them.

Draco smiled through half lidded eyes at him. ‘None.’

Harry was taken aback. He frowned as he kept his gaze locked on his.. _friend_?

‘You know you can do it to yourself?’

Harry smiled back, relief flooding his system and smoothing out the lines on his face.

**2.15am**

‘Goodness!’ Ron yelped.

Five heads turned in his direction.

‘Draco has been wanking over Harry for two years now!’

Harry simply captured Draco’s lips with his even as someone bellowed, ‘RON!’

**1995, Gryffindor boys dorm.**

**12.05am**

‘You’d think after an year of listening to it, we’d have gotten used,’ Neville mused.

‘I’m glad you are no longer puking your guts out over this.’ Harry sent an encouraging smile across the room to his friend.

‘I’m still uncomfortable, it’s why I’m up,’ Neville answered.

‘Why are you awake, Harry?’ Ron asked, his yellow plugs shining in his ear pinnas.

‘Because their moans-’ Draco began, but Harry cut him off by swatting his hand.

‘Are not interrupting my contemplation,’ Harry glowered.

‘Are so,’ Draco pouted.

Ron shook his head and dragged his covers over his head as the others Accioed their Magi-Plugs.

**1.35am**

‘Don’t come running to me for a blowjob after tomorrow’s quidditch game, Potter,’ Draco spat, narrowing his eyes and flaring his nostrils, daring Harry to respond otherwise.

Harry just rolled his eyes and manhandled Draco’s head back against his own neck.

**2.15am**

‘Oh my Godric! Salazar! Rowena! Harry and Draco are doing each other!’

‘SEAMUS!’

**1996, 12 Grimmauld Place.**

**8.40pm**

‘..but he’s awful, Moony,’ Harry whined, wringing his hands. ‘And as usual, the spot for DADA is open once again.’

Remus sighed and looked up. ‘You know I can’t come, Harry. Do you want to face the accusations of favouritism of your third year again?’

Harry knew he had a point, but he wasn't willing to agree with Remus.

‘I can’t ask Sirius because he’d make Snape look amazing.’

‘And you can’t ask Remus because all you’d be getting then would be, “Use protection, don’t get anyone pregnant.”’ Sirius put in.

Remus laughed as Harry threw a dirty look of disbelief at both his godfathers.

‘What?’ Sirius said innocently. ‘You do know that our Moony here is quite serious about his decisions and the most vindictive out of us all.’

Harry’s mood didn’t improve one bit when their laughter grew loud as he stormed off.

**9.00pm**

Remus and Sirius had their hands folded across their chests as they stared at the group in front of them.

‘I called them all for a night out,’ Harry announced, stomping into the room. He grabbed Draco’s wrist and dragged him out, the other seven confusedly following the duo.

‘All eight?’ Remus asked with a raised brow.

‘We now know where Harry gets his craving for vengeance from,’ Sirius observed.

‘And we also know where he gets his childish attitude from,’ Remus returned.

**9.45pm**

‘No funny business,’ Harry warned. Hermione, Draco and Ron nodded in agreement as Dean and Seamus giggled.

‘We won’t get caught,’ Dean promised.

Neville rolled his eyes and banged his head on the wall he was leaning against.

**10.20pm**

‘You may berate Professor Snape as much as you like, but you should realise that he also hates being in his place as much as you hate being in yours,’ Hermione emphasised for the hundredth time. 

‘And you guys are sixteen, for Merlin’s sake. Start behaving your age. Do us all a favour and grow some real balls, will you?’ Pansy added.

Ron stuck his tongue out at her for that even as Ginny and Pansy turned a stern glare over the boys, daring them to argue against a perfectly valid and sensible reasoning.

‘And stop snogging,’ Ginny snapped at Dean and Seamus.

Harry made a face and sighed, exasperated. ‘Honestly, it’s like you’re going to die tomorrow.’

‘We met after thirty five days, thanks to you, Harry,’ Dean said, taking a momentary break from the kissing session and going right back to it after making his point.

Neville held his head. ‘And they are making up for it.’

**12.00pm**

Neville was furious. He was stuck with the hormonal pair for the night. Kreacher had prepared guest rooms next to the master bedroom because “masters be wanting to have their eyes on yous.”

The girls took one and Ron grabbed his usual as Draco queued in after Harry, both of them adamantly refusing to switch with Dean or Seamus claiming they too had met after a month.

While he was sure Harry and Draco would “behave themselves”, as Pansy put it, he also _knew_ that wasn’t going to be the case in his room. Dean and Seamus got carried away and forgot silencing charms nine and a half times out of ten.

Neville opened his eyes, stared at the ceiling and decided he wasn’t going to suffer alone. He saw the bed next to his shaking soundlessly and pulled out his wand.

_‘Finite incantatem.’_

_‘Sonorus.’_

**1.40am**

Harry thought he was dreaming. But he quickly realised the sounds and voices weren’t Draco’s. He knew Draco was lying on his chest and ran his fingers through his hair for confirmation.

‘What’s wrong?’ Someone panted. There was only a grunt in response.

‘Why can’t you find it?’ The first voice asked again. ‘You found it before.’

More moans were heard before a second voice replied, ‘It’s called edging, babe. It’s altogether a different kind of pleasure.’

‘Enough edging then, put it in, NOW!’ The amplified shout had been enough to clear the drowsy state of Harry’s mind.

It also woke Ron and Draco who rushed out and began pounding on the door to the room next to theirs.

**2.15am**

An excruciating (and potentially scarring, in Ron’s case) thirty five minutes later, the latch clicked open and a smug looking Neville walked out.

Draco upturned his nose and buried it into Harry’s shoulder at the scent of sex wafting hurriedly out of the room.

Behind Neville, Harry and Ron could see two forms slumped on the bed, breathing heavily. Ron was about to enter but Harry grabbed his collar and pulled him back.

‘You’d likely want to obliviate yourself if you disturb those piles of blankets right now,’ he warned.

Ron first paled, then blushed red, then stomped back into his room as Neville snickered.

Draco narrowed his eyes at Neville and reached out a hand to yank his ear plugs out. Harry sighed as he glanced over to find Remus and Sirius watching the scene with only their heads out.

‘Do something!’ Draco pleaded, his cry muffled towards the end as he buried his face in Harry’s neck.

‘Um, sorry, can’t,’ Sirius said, looking sheepish.

‘Why?’ Harry asked.

‘Can’t,’ Sirius affirmed before waving a bare shouldered hand at them all and banging the door closed.

Neville howled in laughter. ‘Harry, did your parents’ libido increase or something since Ted’s birth last year?’

Draco shot Neville a completely unimpressed look.

Harry, finally snapping out of his thoughts, hollered down the hallway, ‘MOONY!’

**1996, Gryffindor boys dorm.**

**9.30pm**

‘I’m going to bed before either Dean or Seamus have a chance to disturb me,’ Ron announced as he flopped down on his bed.

‘Yeah, I’m betting they’ll be too tired to do anything today,’ Neville agreed. ‘It’s not easy scrubbing the pots and cauldrons.’

Harry shuddered against Draco, remembering his own ordeal. Draco curved himself further into Harry’s side and pressed a light kiss on his chest.

‘How did they end up with detention again?’ Draco asked.

‘They explained the use of condoms to Ernie Macmillian and Mandy Brocklehurst got pregnant because of some mistake they committed that I was too embarrassed to ask in detail about,’ Ron replied.

‘More like, Hermione would have had your balls if you had been that indecent,’ Harry singgered.

‘When he wants her to have his balls in a totally different way,’ Draco added.

Ron’s face contorted into a grimace even as Neville chucked a pillow at Draco.

**10.50pm**

‘Look at this,’ Neville whispered in awe. Draco, Ron and Harry stared in the direction he was pointing.

‘I can’t believe it.’ Ron rubbed his eyes twice.

‘Should be recorded in Hogwarts a History,’ Harry said.

‘Whatever,’ Draco grumbled and resumed peppering Harry’s neck with kisses.

Ron and Neville rolled their eyes and laid back down.

**12.20am**

‘For some reason, I can’t fall asleep today,’ Ron mused.

‘It probably has something to do with the bed next to you shaking so badly,’ Neville offered.

Ron turned his head and looked to his left for a minute.

‘Probably,’ he said. ‘That or because it’s too bright today.’

Neville hummed in response.

Ron fell silent for a while but soon found himself calling his friend again. ‘Hey, Nev? Do you think _Nox_ works on the moon?’

‘Ron, please!’ Neville grunted back in a sleepy tone.

‘Why do you think it’s so bright today? I mean, the full moon is ten days away.’ 

Neville didn’t reply.

Ron shrugged to himself and decided. ‘I’m going to try my luck in the common room then.’

As if on cue, a pale, sweaty hand shot out of the maroon and gold curtains, palm faced towards him in a signal of “stop.” Ron frowned but went out nevertheless.

**1.15am**

Ron turned right and left and tried to stuff his head under the pillow. When none of those worked he opted to stare at the ceiling until he felt drowsy. Instead, all he felt after fifteen minutes was the stabbing pain rapidly building behind his eyes. He closed them, exhaled deeply and sat up on the couch, gathering his duvet and pillow to go back to his dorm.

He creaked open the door and peeped inside. Draco and Harry were still going at it and the room was still obnoxiously bright. He sighed in disappointment and crept down the stairs when the idea struck him.

**2.15am**

‘That was fun,’ Harry breathed dreamily into his blond boyfriend’s neck.

‘Yea, not too bad for a first timer,’ Draco quipped, molding himself across Harry’s body and throwing one possessive leg over him.

‘Like you’ve had any more experience than me,’ Harry retorted, mouthing at Draco’s jaw. Draco turned his face and caught Harry’s lips with his own, moaning in appreciation at the difference in taste on Harry’s tongue.

‘In future, however,’ Harry continued when they broke for air, ‘I’d like to be more experienced.’ He ground his hips into Draco’s and smiled wide at the hitch it brought to his breathing.

Draco swatted Harry’s hungry arms away and moved back. ‘You insatiable prick!’ he hissed, ‘Your spunk is still leaking out of me, my arse took more than enough battering for one night and you are already up for round 2!’

Harry was prevented from delivering a sassy rejoinder with the arrival of a horror stricken scream closely followed by an equally terrified and red Ron Weasley.

‘My eyes!’ he cried, rubbing furiously at them. ‘Oh God, what do I do! My eyes! Oh my goodness, I can never unsee it, I can never see them any other way!’ He grabbed his hair and began tugging it from its roots, as he collapsed to his knees.

Harry pulled the covers over himself and Draco before swishing the curtains open.

‘What happened, Ron?’ Neville grumbled.

‘The Slytherins were having an orgy!’

‘Why did you go there?’ Harry asked, confused.

‘Because it was too damn bright here and the dungeons are always dark!’ Ron screeched, throwing his arms up into the air. ‘And they were..’ he gulped, ‘they were..’

‘Fucking,’ Draco said. ‘Blaise was riding Theo and Greg was rimming Vince?’

‘YOU!’ Ron looked up and pointed an accusing finger at him. ‘You knew!’

Draco rolled his eyes. ‘It’s why I continued sleeping here since I was thirteen, Weasley. They kept inviting me and I found it became harder and harder to refuse.’

Harry wrapped a firm arm around Draco’s waist and pulled him into his lap, nibbling his ear.

‘You prick! You knew and yet gave me the password last night? You knew and didn’t tell me?’ Ron sounded incredulous, hurt and betrayed all at once.

‘I knew you’d end up going to Slytherin from the common room in your quest for darkness and I stuck my hand out to stop you, even while this brute here was ruthlessly drilling his massive cock against my prostate.’ Draco complained, hands on his hips as he frowned down at Ron. ‘He’s the prick here!’

‘DRACO!’

**1997, Gryffindor common room.**

**8.50pm**

Harry shook his head. ‘I still can’t believe Snape knew it was us who charmed the portraits.’

‘That news is five hours old,’ Draco said as he popped another grape into his mouth and laid his head down in Harry’s lap.

‘Yet!’ Harry insisted. ‘It’s unlike him to not dole out detentions or cut house points.’

‘Especially if they’d benefit his house,’ Neville agreed.

Dean, Seamus and Ginny were too absorbed in their game of Exploding Snap to pay attention to the others. Pansy, Luna and all the Gryffindors were clustered around the largest sette of the common room on the seventh years’ last day at Hogwarts.

‘If he did either of those, he’d have to explain himself and his embarrassing lectures. He’s too much of a Slytherin to risk his pride and accept his mistakes openly,’ Ron pointed out. Pansy winked and mimed a high five at him from where she was sitting behind Ginny and braiding her hair.

‘Like that was too hard to figure out, in any case,’ Hermione scoffed and set her card down.

‘Is everything set for your party tomorrow, Harry?’ Luna asked, effectively diverting the conversation onto much more pleasant and exciting topics.

‘I’d like to bring a few snakes along,’ Pansy said, ‘if that’s okay with you.’

‘It is okay with him,’ Draco drawled, feeding Harry a piece of apple, ‘as long as they behave themselves and not have sex in his house.’

Seamus banged his head on the table as the rest of the group snickered around him and his boyfriend.

‘That news is one year old,’ Dean scowled. ‘Get over it already!’

‘And Neville shouldn't have broadcasted it to Grimmauld Place like it was some much awaited romantic comedy,’ Seamus said, slinging an arm around Dean’s shoulder.

Ginny snorted. ‘Romcom? No. Horror? Definitely yes.’

‘Much awaited? No. Much expected? Definitely yes,’ Pansy joined Ginny on the floor, looping her arm through the red head's.

‘Honestly, we didn’t even have to consciously decide to cast an Imperturbable at our door that night,’ Hermione added.

‘My wonderfully beautiful and intelligent girl!’ Ron beamed and tackled Hermione down as he kissed her deeply.

‘I guess everyone’s trying to tell you both that you deserved it in the end,’ Luna finished.

Dean and Seamus exchanged a long, sad look as all the boys nodded, agreeing with the girls.

**2010, 12 Grimmauld Place**

**12.30am**

‘Any particular reason we are here at this hour or was this a pajama meeting I drunkenly agreed to?’ Sirius asked, pulling the folds of his hastily thrown dress robe close together.

‘Any other reason you are eager to go back to bed or is it what we all are thinking already?’ Draco smirked over at his cousin.

‘Two perfectly valid if unnecessary questions at 12.30 in the morning from the Blacks? I need coffee for this,’ Remus said and rang the bell for Kreacher.

Ten minutes and four warm mugs in their hands later, everyone stared expectantly at Harry who just sighed wearily. Remus and Sirius looked at each other in confusion as Draco smacked him on the head.

‘Harry, here, realised in the middle of the night that,’ Draco began, pausing to take a sip.

‘The boys will be twelve this year.’ Harry finished for him.

Sirius raised his brow. ‘So?’

Remus rolled his eyes and huffed. ‘So? So Harry doesn’t want to send his kids to school without some kind of warning.’

‘No,’ Harry said. ‘Neville’s there and I trust him to be a proper and decent teacher. Plus, Hermione’s got the Governors to vote for the inclusion of essential adolescence books in the Hogwarts’ library. My problem is that I want them to know before term starts.’

‘And he doesn’t know how to tell them,’ Draco put in.

The two older men stared at Harry in disbelief before Sirius huffed. ‘You are asking us? Harry, love, you know we didn’t do any such thing with you or Teddy. Let your kids be.’

‘But-’

‘It might even be less embarrassing that way.’ Remus nodded as he gulped down his beverage.

‘The hell that it is,’ Teddy announced, standing at the entrance to the living room, dressed similarly to the other four men. ‘You, none of you, even warned me beforehand.’

‘Are you taking it out on us three years later?’ Draco asked.

The fifteen year old crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the adults. ‘You neither take the responsibility of educating your child nor do you admit your mistakes in bringing them up,’ he accused, pointing a finger at them.

‘That’s totally you, Rem, mature beyond your years,’ Sirius said, looking fondly at his husband.

‘That’s what you understand?’ Teddy looked aghast.

Draco and Harry openly laughed while Sirius shrugged and Remus tried his best to hide his smile, which slipped through anyway, much to Teddy’s chagrin.

Teddy straightened up and locked eyes with all the four. ‘You know what? Aunt ‘Mione’s right.’

‘Did she call us kids?’ Harry guessed, knowing what Hermione would have thought of them in situations like these.

‘No, she said you were worse than them.’ With that, Teddy turned and walked off.

‘Where are you going?’ Remus called out to his son.

‘To make sure my brothers don’t suffer my fate.’

**1.25am**

‘Teddy will be down any minute now,’ Remus observed.

‘You should stop pacing,’ Sirius advised.

When that didn’t have the desired effect, both of them looked up from their game of cards to find Harry and Draco having a silent conversation.

‘Come on, it’s Teddy. You know he wouldn’t have scared your kids off puberty,’ Sirius said, trying to diffuse the clearly mounting tension in the room.

‘Puberty’s inescapable either way,’ Harry said, breaking away first and taking his place on the couch. Draco followed and linked their fingers together before glancing up.

‘What?’ Remus asked, worry creasing his forehead.

The two remained silent, gripping each other’s hand tighter.

‘Even if it’s a late and accidental pregnancy like ours, we can understand you know,’ Sirius offered in a gentle voice.

‘Well,’ Draco began.

‘We think Albus and Scorpius may be fond of each other,’ Harry blurted out without prolonging it further.

Sirius whistled, leaning back in his chair. ‘It’s not incest so that can’t be an issue.’

‘No,’ Remus said, an involuntary (and in Harry’s opinion, totally infuriating) smirk spreading over his face. ‘Now, the kids would come to know the accidental nature of their conception.’

Sirius burst out into body-wracking giggles, slapping Remus hard on the back as Draco and Harry shot daggers at the hysterical couple.

‘Snape would be rolling in his grave. Of all the failures of his alarming lectures he'd have envisioned or predicted, he couldn’t have imagined this one,’ Sirius continued, not showing an ounce of sympathy for his godson and his husband.

‘All those frustrating classes,’ Sirius went on, ‘and your pranks and you end up here.’ He clutched his stomach as it started cramping, his laugh now close to a hiccup. 'You guys found a wholly new meaning for accidental pregnancy.'

‘I still don’t get how you, Harry ended up having sex with Ginny that day and how you, Draco impregnated Astoria Greengrass.’ Remus shook his head. ‘I mean, how can you be so drunk that you can’t even realise that certain very obvious aspects of male anatomy were missing?’

‘And the most ridiculous part is that all four of them are gay,’ Sirius laughed again.

Harry and Draco looked at each other in exasperation, regret and hilarity.

‘It happened because Harry’s a magnet for everything unusual in the universe,’ Draco scoffed.

‘It happened because Draco said he’d be in the first room on the right and instead crashed in the first room on the left,’ Harry returned.

Draco released Harry’s fingers and shoved him aside and Harry responded by smacking Draco’s arm away from him.

**2.15am**

Teddy walked into the room, confident, smiling and smug. Pride ballooned up in Sirius’ chest on seeing this big brother side to his son. Teddy’s eyes were also twinkling, gleaming too bright for the time of the day and a small amount of worry crept into Remus.

‘It’s done,’ Teddy declared before flopping into an unoccupied chair.

‘I’m so so proud of you, baby!’ Sirius said, making puppy eyes at him.

Teddy gave his father a wide smile before making himself comfortable in his chair.

‘It’s only a job half done, though,’ Sirius said, now turning a wicked look in Harry and Draco’s direction.

‘What?’ Teddy was confused. ‘Why?’

‘You are inordinately pleased, Ted,’ Remus said, changing the subject, narrowing his eyes at his son. ‘What did you tell them anyway?’

Teddy smirked, not at all displeased at having got caught by his father. ‘I told them they were pre-teens now, that there were going to be a lot of different changes and that second year at Hogwarts included a surprise lecture.’

Every single person in the room gaped at Teddy like his ears had crept onto his head, in spite of the fact that it wouldn’t be unusual if they had.

‘Oh,’ Teddy said, waving his hand dismissively, ‘I also told them it wouldn’t be good and they need not look forward to it.’

Harry held his head. ‘They are going to do exactly that. They are going to be eagerly waiting for it. They are going to be so disappointed.’

Draco covered his mouth in horror. ‘Angry. They are going to be angry.’

‘Enraged,’ Sirius supplied. ‘Furious. Teddy,’ he turned to his son, ‘you should hide. Harry,’ Sirius fell to his knees and looked beseechingly into his godson’s face, ‘Please give him your cloak. Please save my son!’

‘All that mouthing off at us..’ Harry trailed off, shaking his head, a rueful smile on his face. ‘I think I know where you get those dramatics from, Teddy.’

‘And he was bloody sneaky at it too,’ Draco pointed out. ‘He used the only chance he’d possibly have at rebuking the four people who brought him up and getting away with it while he dangled the very juicy proverbial carrot in front of his cousins and both warned and didn’t warn them of their impending doom.’

‘Hmm,’ Harry pretended to contemplate. ‘Wonder where he gets that from,’ he said, giving Draco a dirty look out of the corner of his eye.

‘Hey!’ Teddy protested. ‘At least I was responsible like Harry and cautioned them!’

‘TEDDY!’

**Author's Note:**

> I finally have my own Wolfstar-Drarry-Scorbus fic, albeit in a very unconventional way!
> 
> Kudos, comments and your thoughts are appreciated!


End file.
